Thursday, April 07, 2005
whenever i think about my plan for the future (if i even have one), i feel like dissolving into the ground..
it sounds good but a little hard to achieve. *sigh* judging from the comments people give when they hear it i think i should just dump it. but i dont want to chuck that idea. i want that kinda life. its what i want (so badly...)
but nooooooooo.......... it seems so far away... i know i should adopt a positive outlook but im all out of faith now, im struggling and losing the fight, my teachers are after me like K9s after a criminal, the amount of work sitting in front of me has tumbled over and crushed me
and all the guilt is killing me. im being driven to a corner. im suffocating. i think about school and i get all claustrophobic and nauseated. and im feeling so frustrated (for some unknown reason) over my good grandmas death. its prolly because i really wish its my bad grandma whos lying in the coffin now.
i didnt go to school today. i know what kind of trouble im in. last year, towards the end of the year the same thing happened to me. i was under a lot of stress and my attendance was horrid. so was my behavior at school. and its not even mid-year now, and im already crumbling..
i think about noel and i get all fed up and pissed. but not at him. its... me.
u bloody retard, look what uve done. i feel so indebted to him, and the fact that i cant do anything to rid myself of the guilt makes me shut my mind to the outside world coz its trying to search for a solution, a solution that doesnt exist... and i do this all day. like just now at the wake. i ended up behaving like a brat, and i was so rude to my dad. infront of a whole table of guests. my gawd, i regretted being mean to him but i was so tired mentally i couldnt control my emotions anymore
im being so childish here... but its true, isnt it? you havent and will never forgive me.. even if you sincerely do, ill never be able to forgive myself...
i cant seem to pull myself together, but i dont see a need to... what do i have? a crappy plan for the future. gahhh.
p.s dont be offended gurl, but minnie, i hope u'll be able to compromise and work out your relationship with him, coz no ones perfect, u both have been through so much already... youre a lucky gurl, hes willing to change for you
not everyone gets this fortunate.
xoxo
joce-lyn
9:02 PM
